Beetle bums

Recently my flat seems to have been invaded by a small number of beetle-like creatures. Now, I’m not a big bug fan and I have a strange subconscious pecking order of fear built into my psyche. From least to most scary this roughly goes:

beetles, earwigs, and other ground-based wee insects,
daddy long legs (crane-flies)
bees and wasps,
butterflies and moths,
bigger spiders,
Aragog and Shelob having a “who can catch The Bob” contest.

There are perhaps a few things of note here. Flies don’t bother me at all; in fact, in a previous flat one of the rooms became infested with flies for a few weeks (it was actually my flatmates bedroom - not sure what she had hidden under the floorboards…) I didn’t find it disturbing in the slightest and my only worry was that all that free food might attract an entire legion of spiders. However, I am aware that flies carry many diseases, and generally don’t bode well for your general hygiene (seriously, what had she been doing in there?) But flies disturb me not.

Now Daddy Longlegs are surely just giant flying spiders, and that should be my worst nightmare (apart from the 50 foot tall Pat Butcher, eating everything in her path - but that’s another story…) But for some reason they don’t faze me in the slightest. Is it merely the number of legs? I’m I really afraid of those 2 extra arachnoid appendages? I think not.

Some, though not all, will be surprised to see butterflies and moths ahead of bees and wasps. Yes the latter pairing can sting you and it hurts like buggeration, but there’s something truly gross about moths and butterflies flapping in your face that really gets to me. Of course, butterflies get a good press purely because they are well dressed compared to most of the animal kingdom, but really they’re just moths with more money.

I won’t go into the whole spider thing for now as I’m sure it will come up again, but let’s just say that some of the most pathetic moments of my life have been caused by trying to dispose of, hiding from, or just generally worrying about spiders. For now all I’ll say is that even thinking about them gives my feet a cold sweat…

Anyhoo, I was talking beetles. I think I’ve made my point that I’m not particularly worried about beetles loitering around my bathroom if that’s where they really want to be. However, in the last few days they seem to be getting bigger and more frequent so I’ve taken to do the unnecessary thing of picking them up in a bit of bog (bug?) roll and flushing the poor bastards.

Not only is this unnecessary, but it’s given me a strange guilt. A quick check of Wikipedia tells me that estimates “put the total number of species [of beetles], described and undescribed, at between 5 and 8 million”. So who’s to know that what I’m flushing isn’t some very rare species, the weegius irnbrutus perhaps, with some amazing hang-over curing properties or some such. In fact, although I’ve not exactly studied them I’m pretty sure there are a few types kicking about; so who can say what effect I’m having on the ecosystem?

On the other hand, they’re on my land and I want rid of ‘em. Wikipedia also tells me that beetles, according to recent research, “may have entered the fossil record during the Lower Permian, about 265 to 300 million years ago.” So I reckon they’ll survive my wrath.

Two notes of interest: I didn’t like to mention it, but a couple of these beasties may well have been cockroaches. I blame my cleaner for not working hard enough…

I would also like to say how proud I am of making it through this entire post without making a single reference to the Fab Four. You don’t know how much effort it took.

3 Responses to “Beetle bums”

  1. David Says:

    Funny you should say that -

    Topical huh?

    I can’t believe you’re scared of butterflies.

  2. Rozi Says:

    Butterflies? Bloody hell!

    And hi, by the way. I just read through your blog, and I’m with you on the Radiohead. Ended up right at the back, with some drunk lass hanging off me whilst her bloke looked ready to rip me to pieces. Lovely.

    Now, I’m off to find out why I’m awake at 3am…

  3. Neville the part-time barman Says:

    Excellent. Now I know what to use to torture those secret plans out of you, and in what order.

    Or something.

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